Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
