I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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