I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
