Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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