I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
