I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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