And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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