just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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