Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
