There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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