shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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