I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
