oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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