my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
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No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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