Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
