I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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