The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize