don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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