naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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