Its about making memories worth repressing
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
