sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
