yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
