I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
