when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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