He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Someone signed my nipple.
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