I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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