Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
