i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
