Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
