so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
