I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
