My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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