i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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