I would go down on you faster than GM stock
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
