i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Success! We fucked roommates!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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