I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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