I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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