My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
