making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
