Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
