Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
