You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
