I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
