someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So vagazzling was a success
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
