It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
