Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
