Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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