I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Randomize
