A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
