i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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