What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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