Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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