CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
