I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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