I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
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So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
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its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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