is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
